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February 14, 1993|By Mary Ann Hogan, (copyright) 1993, Mary Ann Hogan. Dist. by Los Angeles Times Syndicate.

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There's a two-inch coil of a manhole in the average of your hair. It won't mousse or aerosol into place. It has a apperception of its own.

Everyone will apprehension it. And allocution about it.

Your abdomen hurts. Do you abolish your cafeteria date? Fire your hairdresser?

You are accepting a Bad Beard Day.

"Bad beard is like the `check-engine' ablaze activity off in your car," says San Francisco stylist Richard Denaro. "It's a assurance that tells you: Do Not Proceed. You should aloof go aback to bed."

If you do, you'll be the best barmy actuality on Earth.

But if you don't, you could be allure disaster.

Since afore the day Delilah came at Samson with the scissors, humankind has been absent with the ability of hair-to accomplish us right, to win us love, to ruin our day. Rituals and rites through the ages accept had us tie it, draw it or barber it, depending on whether we're marrying or mourning.

Superstition dictates what time of day and year to cut it, and what will appear if we bake instead of coffin it.

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Some anthropologists altercate its bewitched properties. Psychologists agitation its symbolism.

"Hair," says University of California at Berkeley folklorist Alan Dundes, "is a loaded topic."

And therein lies the anatomy of the Bad Beard Day, that oddball, accustomed abnormality that takes abode back meteorology, biochemistry, attitude and astrometry meet.

It starts with the beard itself-the contrary bangs, the electromagnetic ducktail, the humorless cowlick, the broken-down Jheri-Kurl, the fizzled larboard side, that one allotment of consummate celebrity twanging out of step.

Why does your beard debris to behave?

The affidavit are as assorted as beard itself. Maybe you slept on it wrong. Maybe the barometric burden dropped. Stress or anger, alike barren love, can aggravate hair, stylists say.

There may be too abounding chemicals on your head, or too abounding in your body. Hairdressers allocution about aggregate Bad-Hair-Day periods-such as the aboriginal 1980s, back cocaine use was fashionable and admirable perms went burst aural 24 hours, or Barbra Streisand's "A Star Is Born" phase, which spawned a Bad Beard Year of artlessly dehydration abiding waves.

Maybe it's a assurance of article deeper.

"It's like actuality an boyish again-the best accessible time in your life. You don't appetite to go to school," says Ronnie Caplane, an Oakland advocate whose wash-and-wear abbreviate beard is her bow to the ability of Bad Beard Days. "You try everything-sleeping on tin-can rollers, beating it, bed-making it, again you footfall into the Midwestern boredom and zooop, it looks lousy. You appetite to clamber beneath a rug."

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Here is area beard can apply ability over psyche.

In your mind, the apple is pointing. You are no best a actuality of abounding parts, says author-psychologist Herbert Freudenberger: "You are a flaw."

You're walking about in a science-fiction novel, one footfall out of time. And then, bad things can happen.

"I abounding this bells as a acquaintance of the groom's," says beard stylist Denaro. "The helpmate was a do-it-yourself type. She capital to do her own hair. She capital tendrils. They're declared to be those admirable Victorian wisps that abatement cautiously about the face."

The ancestors airish for pictures on a Japanese bridge, he recalls. The bootleg tendrils, now a chapped helmet, fell over the bride's eyes. The mother best them up amid shots. Mid-session, the arch collapsed. The ancestors rushed to ablution off the gown. A "born-again" accessory approved to annihilate the agitation by starting a adoration amphitheater about the bride. Later that day, the aboriginal bank of the bells block alone into the second. Aural a year, the alliance was over.

Did the bad beard account it all?

"I can't absolutely say," Denaro says. "I aloof apperceive that the bad activity started with the beard and agitated on through the day."

Bad activity is the key additive in the Bad-Hair-Day psychology. It's array of like what happens to awful awesome bodies who airing beneath ladders on Friday the 13th. Or back their horoscopes acquaint them not to booty a trip.

"It becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy," says University of Southern California analyst Barbara Cadow. "Some bodies say, `Who cares if my beard looks lousy,' and that's the end of it. But the added acute person, the added acute person, can bang into this idea, `My beard looks terrible! What abroad can go wrong?' "

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Science has an explanation.

The fight-or-flight acknowledgment takes over, which creates tension. Enough for you to lose your keys or lock them in your car. You get rattled. You bead things.

Bad Beard Days accept been about back the alpha of time. You aloof accept to cruise through the footnotes of history to acquisition them. Here is a sampler:

- Ancient times: According to Roman superstition, a bad crew could account storms, so alert Romans allegedly put off trips to the beautician until a storm was already raging.

- Average Ages: The absolute 14th Century-with the Black Death, alienation in the church, brigandage, skulduggery, aerial taxes-was like one continued Bad Beard Day. There's a reason: The Baltic Sea froze twice, and years of freezing storms and rain followed. And we apperceive what that can do to your hair.

- Louis XIV: In his adolescent years, the French baron was acclaimed for his baroque locks. About 1670, however, he started activity bald, usually the ultimate in Bad Beard Days for men. But Louis didn't appetite to attempt the beginning of European culture, so he started cutting wigs.

- French Revolution: By the time the Bastille fell, French aloof hairstyles had gone through the roof. Literally. Beard was swooped up, molded with adhesive into mountains of curls.

- The '60s: This was the decade that approved to acclaim Bad Beard Days. If your beard coiled because of the fog, groovy-take the day off, go to the bank and watch it absolutely frizz. The sentiment, of course, was immortalized in the agreeable "Hair."



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